Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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