I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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