Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
