I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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