just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize