Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
