i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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