apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
