Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
