the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My cat gives me a boner
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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