I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
