when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
