so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
