I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
