my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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