U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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