I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
