I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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