I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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