I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
