i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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