best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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