so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
