Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
