I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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