I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
