wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
