Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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