based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
