the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
how does that bad decision feel?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
