I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so much tequila, so little girl.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
