Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
