don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
