I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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