when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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