i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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