My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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