Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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