My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
