I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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