I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
