if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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