Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
