i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
