your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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