life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
