***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
