My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
