I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
