i permit you to call me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I could make wine with my vomit
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
