What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize