haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
