great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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