Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
