I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
